Hot Chicks With Guns
by goingdownhillagain
Summary: One shouldn't look a Gift-Horse in the Mouth...however one is allowed to laugh at it. like a psychotic lunatic.


Hello again… finally had time to sit down and write. Hope you enjoy

**HOT CHICKS WITH GUNS**

goingdownhillagain

The ship headed into deep space.

The best in stealth technology, the spacecraft was as silent as the dead to radar as it floated randomly in the vacuous night. Still Heero was nothing if not fastidious; he ordered complete silence on all communications until they had reached past the 3000-mile radius. He had even requested that Duo, as much as possible, use only the boosters to direct the ship, rather than powering up the engines. No one argued with Heero's logic. Their mission, only completed three hours ago, showed them how vital it was that they remain non-existent…and what was at stake.

Duo checked his position one last time; in minus thirty minutes the ship would be just past the radius Heero set. Then he would immediately head toward Howard's salvaging outpost. Putting the ship in autopilot, Duo disconnected from the seat and slowly maneuvered his semi-weightless body through the small hallway leading to the airlock that separated him from the others. They were still in the ship's medic room, trying to get as much information as possible out of Relena. If this was another situation, Duo would happily sink into his usual cynicism and apathy since, once again, the Princess had proven her inability to keep herself safe. He would have made some rude comment about her, then adjourn to some extreme corner of the ship and wait out the rest of the trip. However, from the moment they got the report about the kidnapping, even Duo knew this was serious.

Duo stood in front of the medic door, almost too scared to open it. However, his presence must have been noticed, because Wufei stern voice commanded him to enter. Duo quietly eased the door open and slipped in. The air was still in the small room and as Duo's sight quickly adjusted to the one glowing light, he could see his comrades standing quietly around a small cot. Quatre was bent over a silent Relena, his small frame blocking Duo's view. However, as Duo was one of the first to locate their target, the image that was revealed moments later was all too familiar.

Relena lay quietly on the cot. With her right eye, she attempted to focus on the bodies around her. Understandably, she was still jumpy; God knows how many days she was surrounded by shadows, wondering where the next strike was going to come from. As Duo looked on, he marveled at the fact that Relena survived it all. Simply put, the left side of her face was a collection of deep purple lumps, all of which shone in the dim light. Her left eyes lay hidden under her swollen eyelid, and the only indication of its presence was the continuous stream of tears leaking from the swollen slits. The deep bruising blended into a ring of red that encircled her neck; when they had found her in the compound, her guards were in the process of restraining her head to the back of a chair. Her arms had settled somewhat on her blanket-covered body. The right forearm was encased in an elaborate splint, which branched off to support each of the five fingers. Her left hand, fortunately, was blessedly devoid of injury except for the rope burns on her wrist. The grey blanket covered the rest of her body, hiding the dislocated kneecap and the swollen black skin that immobilized the joint. Cuts peppered her pale skin and Duo could see that Relena was making a concerted effort not to move.

Duo hoped for her sake that the painkillers would kick in soon.

"Hey Princess, how ya feelin?"

Wufei glared at him.

"That is the most asinine question ever to escape your lips!"

"Hey, I'm talkin' to her, not you, ya stick-up-de-ass-pointy-headed-"

Heero voice cut through the argument like a knife.

"Both of you stop it! You don't know who is listening!"

Duo rolled his eyes, "Please, we reached the beyond the communication radius about twenty minutes ago and we're approaching pursuit limits in, " he checked the digital watch above Relena's bed, "in T-minus seven minutes."

Throughout the entire exchange Relena listened quietly. Relena focused her one good eye on Duo as he spoke and the right corner of her lips tilted upward as Duo began his rant. But as Heero responded Quatre noticed the sliver of fear skittering across her face.

"Relena, don't worry, we covered our tracks. For one General Klaus is currently dead and the outpost is a smoldering heap, thanks to Duo. He won't hurt you again."

Relena seemed to relax at Quatre's words. As the boys watched, her body sank into the cot and except for a small flinch of discomfort, Relena seemed at peace.

"What I want to know," Trowa began, speaking almost in whispers, "is what the good General was up to. It was almost as if he was ordered to torture her to death."

Silence descended in the little room after Trowa's statement. What had shocked them the most about General Klaus' treatment was his apparent dedication to his craft. They all could still remember the image of Relena's body dangling by her neck right before being flung against the reinforced concrete wall. They all had to fight the urge to flinch as Relena slowly dragged herself into a sitting position. What had made them even sicker was the knowledge that Relena knew they were there.

Heero spoke up

"From his files, he didn't need any orders. He was one of the 'pro-active' members of OZ. He joined fifteen years ago, after proving his willingness to kill an entire platoon to find out the location of one rebel. From what I have gathered, he likes crushing his captives, literally and figuratively. OZ higher-ups send their 'toughest' cases to him. He is also the one they call when they need people to disappear."

"Wait, so that the missing ship of civilians after the attack on London?"

"There is a file which records how and where he sunk the ship. I also found footage, he has…had a personal collection."

"This guy was a fuckin Looney!"

Wufei chose to ignore Duo's outburst.

"So Relena was an extra-curricular activity?"

Heero hesitated

"Yes…that's why it was so hard to track him. There was no order to kidnap Relena, so no one was expecting her to disappear. It took the Doctors a week to notify me."

Heero's frown told everyone more about his feelings on this than anything he said. When he got the report Heero had assumed, like everyone here, that it would be a simple retrieval. It would take him two weeks before he could finally locate her; by then Relena had been moved six times. The shock of seeing Relena's state damaged Heero's confidence in his abilities. He had promised to protect her and he failed.

"Well…we have her. So all we need to do is keep her hidden until we get word from the Docs. Right Heero?"

Duo looked expectedly at Heero, hoping that the Asian boy would take the bait. They all knew that Heero was the leader and this was a critical moment. If they were to survive, if Relena was to survive, they needed Heero to be in charge.

Heero took a deep breath and looked at everyone.

"Right. Once we arrive at the Salvaging Outpost, Wufei will write the report and send it to J. Trowa, you and Quatre look for potential safe houses that won't ask too many questions about five boys and one girl living by themselves. Duo, I need an inventory of all our supplies, we may need to disappear for a while."

There was an almost audible sigh of relief. Heero was still there.

"Does everyone understand their jobs?"

Trowa nodded; he was never one for wasting time with words

"Of course Yuy. Who do you think I am? Maxwell?"

"Hey, I take offence at that!"

"Wufei, be nice!"

"I refuse to-"

Quatre felt a small tug o the back of his shirt. Turning around quickly he realized that Relena had used the index finger and middle finger of her left hand to hook the hem. She could only manage a small tug but it was enough for Quatre to realize that Relena needed to find out something.

"Relena, what is it? Are you feeling sick? You need anything?"

The boys fell silent. Relena worked the muscles her throat carefully, slowing shaping her partially deformed lips to form the words she wanted to say. Her voice came out soft and hoarse, but in the stillness of the room everyone heard her.

"Can I laugh now?"

Maybe it was the absolute shock written on the faces or the sputtering coming from Wufei's mouth, but suddenly Relena couldn't wait. A muffled squeal flooded the room as Relena's good eye crinkled in glee. All the boys could see her chest shaking with mirth, even as she tried to grab her throat to stop the coughing fit that began.

"Relena, what are you laughin-"

"Du-Duo, I-I di-di-din know (cough) know!"

Duo looked at Quatre.

"Hey, missy! What's up with you?"

With much effort Relena stopped long enough to say

"I never kn-knew you all were su-su-such hot girls!"

And with that she collapsed into a symphony of giggling and wheezing.

Trowa looked down

"Oh hell."

In their desire to clear out of the potential retaliation range, none of the boys remembered that their disguises were still in tact. So much intact that to a drug-addled Relena (and any self respecting, lonely and sex-deprived soldier), there were five, equally hot, potentially available females in the room.

Quatre was the first to react; the flush on his cheek highlighted quite nicely by the light makeup that he wore. His deep blue eyes sparkled prettily under his well-coiffed bangs. He had a hairpin of daisies and tulips perched elegantly on a tuff of hair, giving him a bubbly, cheerful look. It also complimented his empire style, knee length dress with pastel floral prints. Trowa, who was trying valiantly to not acknowledge his present situation, was even more convincing. The combination of tailored olive pants, which flared below his knees and a deep cut, sleeveless, turtle-neck silk blouse achieved a sense of mature allure that was only emphasized by his well defined eye shadow and dark ruby red lipstick. Both boys wore heels; Trowa in a stylish silver pumps and Quatre in sensible lilac heels.

Duo was punk through and through. He had sprayed silver, violet and red streaks into his hair, wrapping it up in a messy, yet deliberate up do. Staying true to his roots, he carried off the leather miniskirt, fine fishnet purple stockings and the high-heeled combat boots with confidence. Even the bright orange graphic tee shirt he wore hung on his lithe body so well that his right shoulder peeked daringly from under the material.

Wufei was reminiscent of the Chinese madam in ancient Hong Kong. The slits ran up the sides of his ankle-length dress hovered seductively under the jut of his hipbone. It was jet black, but the embossed material, in the right light revealed the eternal dance of the dragon and phoenix all over his body. He had opted for open-toe low heels. However, blazing red always made a statement.

As the boys began to avoid looking at each other, Relena had gone from giggling to wheezing. Yet nothing could wipe the warped smile off her face.

"Y-y-you... sheen the-the...luk…on his faysh…!Shaw…a shmorgashbord!"

Relena wheezing became more pronounced.

"Ah…Gad! He whas phrandelin Wufei's assh!"

Duo snorted.

"Yes, that was funny…"

"MAXWELL!"

"But it was!"

"Duo, Wufei, stop it!"

Heero wasn't annoyed, he was pissed. They both took the hint.

Relena's fingers got Quatre's attention again.

"Yoo an Duo look real nice," she paused for painful moment, slowly swallowing spittle that had accumulated in the right corner of her lips, "Heewo too! I told yoo yoo'll look atwactive in that olfit."

Eyes swung with eager precision as Heero tried desperately to blend into the shadows. When that failed, he resorted to glaring. Relena turned to Trowa.

"Ith was a good idea to wear panths. Givth yoo a…feminine line."

Trowa remained silent, merely nodding his head in acknowledgement.

"Sthill ath leasth….at leasth you tried to acth like a girl. Chang spenth… entire time… snmarglin…"

"What is she saying?"

"Snarling. She says you were snarling."

"Maxwell, how the hell did you know-"

"Pig latin."

Wufei stared at Duo in terrified awe as Duo smiled and turned back to Relena.

"Snmargin…liketh…meno…(cough)…meno…phosal transvestith."

Relena collapsed into wheezing, but Duo's loud laughter warned Wufei that what she said wasn't good.

"I'm- I'm leavin."

"Okay…(snort)…menopausal transvestite!"

Wufei resisted the urge to snarl. Instead, with the pride of someone who has endured two hours of continuous groping at the hands of eighty-year-old man, he walked quickly out of the room.

"Qwarth?"

Relena's reedy voice told everyone that the medication was finally taking effect. Quatre bent over her, looking concerned.

"Yes, Relena?"

"Who…shod yoo how to…"

Quatre shot up, his face becoming as red as hydrant. He could feel the other's gazes on him.

"Um…well I have sisters…so…um…being the…um…youngest…well…yeah."

"Oh…well you look phweetie."

Quatre blushed some more.

"Well…thanks…but I think you need to go to sleep now. You'll heal a lot faster."

Relena, who at this time was almost unconscious, frowned.

"Buth…I wanth to know howh Duo could walk in thosth heels!"

And then she was asleep.

Duo looked around.

"Well, that was entertaining…so tell me Quatre, what did your sisters teach you about style?"

Quatre did the only dignified thing he could; he ran.

###########################

Howard contacted them as soon as they entered his space, informing them that the doctors had updated him on the situation. Once they had rested, and the majority of Relena's wounds were seen to by Sally, they were to head to the safehouse in Italy. Duo was once again behind the wheel, manuvering the ship during its final approach. To his right was Heero, running a last minute check on trajectory and speed.

"Heero, please go change. We're fine. Unless you want to Howard's crew to help you with your exploration of your feminine side."

A flitter of fear crossed Heero's face and suddenly he stood up and made his way to the exit.

"Yuy?"

Heero paused at the door.

"I didn't think you were one for the Lolita trend. Very good disguise!"

Heero blink then looked down; he seemed almost confused at the presence of his outfit on his thin body. He was in all variations of white, from the bonnet o his head to the soles of his platform Mary-Janes. His outfit was a light cream jumper with a flared skirt. Underneath it, was a simple white blouse with long sleeves, which gathered by his wrists. The skirt of the outfit had embroidery in the shape of hearts and flowers along the hem; the threat used was just a little darker than the cream cloth. Knee-high white socks, white bloomers and white kid gloves finished of the image, making Heero seem as an innocent, if not sullen little girl.

The blood smeared and splatters that decorated his outfit, however, took the image into the disturbing psychotic realm.

"You know Hee-chan. The way you're looking now, you're pushin' the Guro thing more."

"Yes, I realized it once I starting shooting."

" So…where did you get the idea? You weren't with us when we were planning our disguises. And I know you definitely don't give a rat's ass about trends. What's up?"

Heero stared at Duo for a long time, and then, taking a deep breath he turned towards the exit. Duo shook his head in disappointment. It wasn't that he was expecting a full explanation, but he would have preferred to get something from Heero. It didn't matter, since they were all going into hiding he would have the next three months to interrogate Relena. If he was lucky, he could get pic-.

"We were in Japan once."

Duo froze at Heero's voice cut through the recycled air.

"OZ had spies almost everywhere. The only place that was safe was Shibuya, but…"

"Let me guess, you needed to fit in. Right?"

Heero reddened slightly.

"Relena said that the Lolita style suited me best. She seemed to be having a lot of fun. Since time was of the essence…and I had the outfit…"

Duo 's head spun around with such force that his upper body was compelled to follow along.

"You kept the outfit? You mean-"

"I'm going to change now. Inform Howard of the schematics of our agenda."

And with that Heero Yuy scuttled his to his quarters, laving a titillated Duo; his mind dancing with images and suppositions.

####################################################

THE END…really…bye…


End file.
